The Story of Mike Newton: The Way It Was Supposed To Be
by just4ubb
Summary: A fabulous crackfic that I wrote for a friend one million years ago. Mike/Bella/Everybody


**The Story of Mike Newton: the way it was meant to be**

When Mike Newton was born, joy was brought to the world. Although it had done so many times before, it seemed to Mr and Mrs Newton that during the summer of '88, the sun shone for the first time, birds sung louder, colours were brighter; the earth was a better place.

Mike Newton lead a charmed life and it was quickly made apparent that he would become a man to accomplish extraordinary things. He was revered among his peers as a demigod. All of the girls wanted him, all of the boys wanted to be him, all of the teachers wished that _they_ had bred this golden child. For Mike Newton was golden in every way possible. He had a kind, natural leadership, a sunny disposition, his eyes were a resourceful, faded blue and his hair was the colour of spun gold.

When Mike Newton turned fifteen, a great and terrible evil befell his hometown; the Cullen family moved to Forks. It was immediately apparent to Mike's angel-blessed eyes that the unnaturally white group of people were not all they seemed. The simple townsfolk of Forks saw only the perfect behaviour, good deeds, the glory that Doctor Carlisle Cullen brought to their insignificant establishment.

Our wise and noble hero saw the truth of the foul beings. He saw their beastly rages, the way no morsel of food passed their lips, their incestuous relationships, their suspicious and seemingly endless supply of money. One of the others was worse than the others. He went by the name, Doucheward. That one had more evil in his eyes, in his soul. Mike Newton knew that something had to be done.

However at that point in his life, Mike had no true credentials to his name, nor the materials and skills needed to take down the inhumane ones; thus, he bid his time, watching and waiting for the moment in which he could finally bring his beloved town back to the realms of all that is good and holy in the world.

There came a point in Mike's life when he reached his seventeenth year, when he became a man. This also coincided with the rather explosive arrival of a certain Isabella Swan. From the moment he laid eyes on Isabella's beautiful, timid face, Mike knew that Isabella was the girl for him. He wanted to make her his, in every way possible. _Mrs Isabella Newton_.

But, alas! The two were not meant to be! It was on Isabella's first day of school when Mike first noticed the uncontrollable rage in Doucheward's very posture and it was in that second that he knew the truth about him. Doucheward was the devil's spawn, the Prince of Darkness. Doucheward Cullen was one of those creatures that had no place. Doucheward Cullen was a vampire and he threatened the lady who had captured Mike's affections.

Hopeful that the good in Isabella's heart was enough to curb the vile advances of Doucheward, Mike satisfied his worry by encouraging the love that Isabella felt for him. But the temptations of the foul Doucheward were too strong for Isabella's weak, yet lovely spirit and she was enticed into tasting the forbidden fruit. This made Mike desolate, yet still, he persevered in saving her soul.

Mike Newton, at the age of eighteen, was phenomenal. His face had lost some of its previous rounded charm. His hair had grown longer, more wild, yet Mike valiantly attempted to tame his locks with products, a look that Doucheward Cullen blatantly imitated. But more importantly, Mike had changed _inside_. His mind was resolve was set, his plan in motion.

On the first day of school, Mike Newton killed Doucheward Cullen. He did it with a low-calibre shotgun, close-range. Doucheward Cullen was destroyed, in name, in face and in his poisonous control over the beautiful Isabella.

The townsfolk rejoiced when the deed was done, for it was then that Doucheward's evil spell was broken and the good people were returned to their former state; a little on the stupid side, but none the less, they were _good_.

But alas! Mike was not fated to have his Isabella so easily won; the second of his enemies emerged from the shrubberies to steal Isabella from him. Our hero was not deterred by this cruel twist of fate and after many battles (in which the evil Yahkob poisoned Mike with deadly popcorn at the cinema) Mike banished the moste foule beaste from the land of Forks.

Years passed and eventually Mike was married to the girl of his dreams, the sweet Isabella. They had three beautiful girls, triplets (for he was full of life and fertility), Michaela, Mikene and Mikaelena. Then it came to Mike's attention that far away in the land of Galveston, Texas, Yahkob was molesting another pretty girl. At once, Mike jumped inside his expensive Nissan Cubeand raced away to save her from Yahkob.

Killing Yahkob was easy enough for Mike, who was in tune with his feminine side and used a knitting needle to stab Yahkob to death. He hastened to the seaside where the damsel sat in wait and 'twas in that moment that Mike knew he had met the _other_ girl that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with.

At once, he knelt before her, begging the young Christina to be his bride. They eloped to Las Vegas and were wed before Elvis himself. 'Twas on their honeymoon that the two newly-weds met the woman who would change their lives forever.

Megan Fox, the hot, admitted bisexual taught the two lovers some stuff.


End file.
